Can’t or Won’t? The Question That Can Change Everything

When is it a “won’t” and when is it “I can’t yet” or “I can’t without your help”? Let's talk about reframing children’s behaviour in developmentally appropriate ways and adjusting our expectations about what they should be able to do at different ages.

It’s free-play time. You’re scanning the room, mentally juggling fifteen different things, when you hear it - that particular cry that means something has gone wrong. You turn to see Liam (3.5 years) in tears, his carefully constructed block tower in ruins. And there’s Mia (4 years), already halfway across the room, pulling a princess dress from the costume bin as if nothing happened. Your heart rate spikes. The other children are circling now, drawn to the drama like moths to a flame. Liam’s crying is getting louder.

And Mia? She hasn't looked back once. 

Here we go again. The thought flashes through your mind before you can stop it: “She won’t learn. We’ve talked about this. Why does she keep doing this? Does she even care?” But what if we asking the wrong question? 

The Won’t or Can’t Paradigm Shift 

That single word — won’t — carries a heavy assumption: that the child has the capacity to do the right thing but is choosing not to. That they’re being defiant, unkind, or manipulative. But what if it’s not won’t? What if it’s can’t — yet? 

This isn't semantics. This is neuroscience. And it changes everything  about how we respond. 

What’s Really Happening in Mia’s Brain: Let’s rewind that moment and look at what Mia’s 4-year-old brain is actually capable of…and what it’s not.  

The Response That Changes the Pattern

So, what do we do with all this information? We adjust our approach to match her actual /  developmental capacity, not our wished-for  version of it. Instead of demanding an apology Mia can’t authentically give, try this: 

Step 1: Tend to Liam first 

“You worked hard on that tower. It’s okay to feel sad when something you made gets knocked down.” This validates his experience and models emotional literacy. 

Step 2: Approach Mia with curiosity, not accusation 

“I see you’re playing over here now. Did something feel big over there by the blocks?” 

You’re giving her an out—a way to talk about what happened without shame-spiraling her into defensiveness. 

Step 3: Scaffold the social repair 

“Liam is feeling sad that his tower fell down. Can we go check on him together?” 

You’re not forcing an apology. You’re offering a supported opportunity to re-engage. She gets to practice the skill with your help — which is exactly how skills develop. 

Step 4: Provide the language she doesn’t have yet 

“You could say, ‘I didn't mean to knock your tower’ or ‘It was an accident.’ Would you like to try that?” Now she has a script. You’ve removed the language barrier. She can succeed. 

The Internal Shift

When we reframe Mia’s behaviour from “won’t be kind” to “can’t yet navigate this complex social moment without support,” something profound happens: 

• Our frustration softens into compassion 

• Our tone changes from corrective to collaborative 

• Our expectations align with reality instead of fighting it 

• We become the ‘scaffolder’ instead of the enforcer 

And Mia? She gets what she actually needs: co-regulation, language support, and guided practice. Not a lecture. Not shame. Not isolation. 

The Bigger Picture: Can’t Yet ≠ Can't Ever 

Here’s what’s easy to forget in the heat of the moment: Every “can’t yet” is temporary. 

Mia will develop impulse control. She will grow theory-of-mind. She will  build emotional regulation skills and expand her expressive vocabulary. But only if we meet her where she is now -- and help her build the bridge to where she’s going. The tower will get rebuilt. The tears will dry. And Mia will get another chance tomorrow to practice being the kind of friend she’s still learning to be. 

Because she’s not refusing to learn. She’s just not there yet. 

And “yet” is the most important word in early childhood education. Next time you catch yourself thinking “they won’t,” pause. Take a breath. And ask instead: “What can‘t they do yet—and how can I help?” That question? That question can change everything.

Selected References  

Best, J. R., & Miller, P. H. (2010). A developmental perspective on executive function. Child Development, 81(6), 1641-1660. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2010.01499.x

Koşkulu-Sancar, S., van de Weijer-Bergsma, E., Mulder, H., & Blom, E. (2023). Examining the role of parents and teachers in executive function development in early and middle childhood: A systematic review. Developmental Review, 67, 101063. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2022.101063

Zelazo, P.D., & Mueller, U. (2002). Executive function in typical and atypical development.

In Goswami, U. (Ed.), Handbook of childhood cognitive development (pp. 445–469). Blackwell.https://doi.org/10.1002/9780470996652.ch20